Broken
by greenkid
Summary: Lilly Kane greets Cassidy Casablancas as he crosses over the threshold to the afterlife and recalls the events of his broken life. Meanwhile, Veronica and her friends struggle to pick up the pieces after graduation as they recall their own experiences with Cassidy. (AU)
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hi, welcome to my story. So I've always kind of found myself fascinated with Cassidy's story. The season two finale came as a bit of a shocker to me, and I was actually really genuinely upset that he was killed off the show. I felt there was a lot of territory to explore with him, and I would really love to see him in the movie. Kyle Gallner's pretty cool too. Anyway, this explores the events following Cassidy's jump off the Neptune Grand. Kind of a weird concept. It will probably turn into an AU story, but for now, we're just looking at the summer after graduation.**

* * *

**ONE**

_Preface_

I stand quietly, waiting to hear a thud. To feel pain surging through my head as I hit cement. To hear people screaming at the sight of me. Anything really.

But as I reluctantly open my eyes, I see nothing. My surroundings are vast, open, and completely white. I take a few steps to look around, but nothing changes. The light seems to go on and on forever. It's never ending. I stand here, puzzled. I'd never seen anything like this before.

_Am I in heaven_? I think to myself.

"What the?"

_Clap, clap_.

I turn around to see who was clapping at me. A girl stands there alone, a sly grin spread across her face. Her eyes are wide and bright as they stare back at me, and the blood from her head wound still seems to be dripping from when her skull was bashed in. One could expect her to be lying dead on the ground, but here she is, staring back at me.

_I knew heaven would be too good to be true. I must be in hell_.

"Welcome," she says. "I have to say, I'm pretty surprised you ended up here. Didn't think you had the guts to do it."

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Then again, I'm not really sure you had the guts to kill Veronica either. On the other hand, maybe you did. I mean, you did rape her. And let's not forget about all those people you killed on that bus so many months ago. I've actually gotta give you props."

I pause for a moment. "How did – how did you know -?"

"I know everything," she replies back. "All you people think I'm just lying six feet under the ground somewhere… or I'm sitting cremated in some fancy, expensive, ugly urn that Celeste Kane picked out for me. But in truth, I'm everywhere. If you think for one second that I'm going to give up going about sticking my nose into other people's business – without them knowing I'm there of course – then you're pretty mad, and you really didn't know me at all."

I study Lilly Kane. Sure enough, she's wearing the same outfit she had on when Logan Echolls' father murdered her. I only knew because the crime scene video went viral weeks after her death. Her face had been plastered all over entertainment magazines and television networks.

"Or did you?" she says. "Little Beaver sits idly by and studies everyone. He watches and gets to know everyone from a distance. You got to know Mac, hoping that someday you could overcome your weird sexual repression caused by that oh so traumatic experience you had as a kid. You sure as hell got to know Veronica when you found out she was sleuthing to figure out who raped her. You got to know Gia when she started school with you and all you could think about was how much you hated her and how you wanted her to die. The stupid bitch had no idea what kind of monster her father really was. Am I right?

"You see, I know things too, Beaver. I watch people. Sometimes I sit by Veronica's bedside at night and watch her sleep. I figured it might give her some sort of comfort, or creep her out a little. Whichever is fine with me. Sometimes I visit Logan and search his apartment for any remaining pictures of me. You know, I haven't even been gone that long and I already seem to be forgotten by him. I knew he was a dick when we were dating, but I didn't know he'd be that much of a dick

"Sometimes I even visit Duncan, no matter how far away he is now. I get to see my would-be-niece and _pray to God _she gets her looks from me, and not my mother. And I feel bad for her, because not only does she have to live without ever knowing her awesome aunt, but also she'll never even know her mother, which you pretty much killed by the way. Oh, sometimes I'll even check up on Mac. You know, I really had no idea who the girl was when I was alive, but now that I'm dead, she seems pretty fascinating to me. Did you know that she and Madison Sinclair - ?"

"What do you want from me?" I cut her off.

"Sometimes I even watch you. I like to check up on things from time to time. Like, is Dick still a dick? I'm sure you could answer that one for me. I watch you suffer every day. You get up and go to school with the emotional weight of the world on your shoulders and you never tell anyone. Not your father, not your dick of a brother, not Logan, not Veronica, not your slutty stepmother, and not even your girlfriend. And I've always wanted to know, why not Beaver?"

I clench my fists and stare her down. "My name isn't Beaver."

"Oh, that's right. It's _Cassidy_. You know, it really shows how much love your parents have for you by giving you a girl's name."

"It's a unisex name!" I fire back immediately. It's something I've been teased for my whole life.

"Whatever you say, Beaver." The white background begins to fade and the night sky comes into view. The eerie lighting of the Kanes' pool slowly comes into focus. I now stand in Lilly Kane's old backyard near the edge of the pool. Blood can be seen splattered all over the cement where she stands. This is where she was killed.

"Would you like to take a dip in the pool with me?" she asks.

"No thanks," I blurt. "I mean… I mean, what do you want from me?"

"Well isn't it obvious?" Lilly says, tilting her head in that oh-so-cute "Dad, can I have money to go shopping?" kind of way. "I'm here to welcome you. I'm the welcome wagon. Kind of weird, isn't it? Sending me to come do this. I mean, we barely spoke when we were both alive. Sure, I'd come over sometimes with Logan to sit around and watch the two play video games for a bit before getting bored and leaving. But you were never around. Sometimes you'd sit in the corner and watch, left out like a sad little puppy watching all his friends being given to good homes while he's stuck at the pound. But most of the time you'd be in your room. You spent so much time in there, I kind of thought you were… well, you know. But now that I've seen you with Mac, I'm kind of thinking not."

"Can you just cut to the chase?" I stammer.

"Well, I guess I'm here to show you how good this whole dead thing really gets. Because nothing beats stalking your old friends and sitting around, thinking about all your mistakes and what a pathetic short life you had.

"You see this? This is where I was famously killed by an A-list actor. My boyfriend's father, in fact. You were killed… by yourself… when you hit the ground in front of some lame hotel downtown Neptune. You think people are going to remember you? Some psychotic little weirdo who was molested by his little league coach? No. They're going to remember America's sweetheart over here who was brutally murdered in her own backyard."

"Fuck off," I say. My temper is rising. "You don't know anything about me or my life. You think everyone cares about you. You think everyone misses you. Sure, maybe a couple of rich kids do. But most of us saw you as the town whore. What do you call a girl who sleeps with her boyfriend, her boyfriend's father, and the bad boy on the other side of the tracks all at the same time? Oh yeah, a slut. You got yourself killed, Lilly."

"Maybe so," she says, "but at least I have friends who care enough about me to solve my murder. Veronica went after Aaron. Even if he was deemed innocent, everyone knows he's guilty deep down. No one gives two shits about you. And even if they do buy into your sob story about Woody, I think they'll hate you more than they'll sympathize with you."

I glare at her. The girl is stupid, just like the rest of them. She doesn't understand. She doesn't know anything about me, and here she is talking to me like we're friends or something. We were never friends, not even when the girl was living. Not even when I was…

"Maybe people aren't going to sympathize with me, but you know what? I did what I had to. I had to kill the others because they were going to ruin my life. I finally started to dig up from the debris and they were going to stab me in the back. But they weren't counting on me stabbing them first. I took care of Goodman before I left. He got what he deserved. I'm not going to feel bad about it. And if I'm really gone, then Dick, Logan, Veronica… they'll all have to sit around and think long and hard about little Beaver, won't they? Right now, they're probably feeling pretty bad about themselves for treating me like shit all those years.

"Veronica's dad is gone and she's going to have to live without a father now. She'll finally get to know what it's like to be me. Dick's not going very far in life, but I hope he'll finally understand that I'm not the little bitch he's been making me out to be all these years. And I suppose Logan's suffered enough. I mean, his dad killed his girlfriend… and he got away with it. His mom committed suicide. He's still got his money and his little blonde detective to keep him happy, but I guess he has suffered enough.

"And you? It's been over a year now and no one cares about you anymore. You may have some lame memorial at our school and Veronica may look at pictures of you every once in a while, but no one really cares. How does it make you feel knowing that she's had sex with both your brother and your boyfriend?

"You were killed abruptly. You didn't really contribute anything to this world, and I went out with a bang. Sure, it would have been nice to live a little longer, but I set out to do what I needed to do. I guess you did too, considering your only purpose in life was to go around fucking everything you see, Lilly."

She doesn't say a word as she looks back at me. During my rant, I hadn't even noticed the scenery around me change. We now stand on top of the roof of the Neptune Grand. She smiles, gazing back at me. I expect some sort of quick retort to my rant, but she pauses for a moment before taking a few steps back and sitting on the ledge. The very ledge I had just jumped off of just moments ago.

"I think you and I are going to get along just fine, Cassidy Casablancas."

* * *

**AN: So, yeah... Lilly may seem a bit harsh. But I always wanted to kind of explore the concept of the two together (talking or hanging out, I mean) because they seem like a really odd pairing. Lilly might seem a bit out of character, but I like to see her in this particular scene as an entity that plays on Cassidy's fears. She represents what Cassidy thinks of the others, and what he's worried they'll think of him.**


	2. Chapter 2

**TWO**

_**June 2006**_

"And the worst part of this whole thing is that my parents are still expecting me to go camping this weekend. Yeah, they told me I should come if I feel up to it, but how can they possibly expect me to 'feel up to it?'"

Veronica looks up at Mac before pouring lemonade into two glasses before her. A salad sits untouched on the coffee table before Mac, still placed inside the to-go container from the Hearst food court. The two had spent the day walking around campus.

"They're just trying their best to make you feel better," Veronica says as she walks over to the couch. "I'm sure they don't have any real experience with this sort of thing. I mean, when Lilly died, my mom walked out on me. She was unstable and didn't have any experience with this sort of thing either."

Mac takes a sip of lemonade before putting the glass back down. "I understand that, but when you're in this frame of mind, it's hard to be understanding. I have all this stuff to deal with, to think about. And you know what I keep thinking? 'What am I going to wear to his funeral?' I don't even know what his favorite color was… and now, I guess I never will."

Veronica looks at her for a second. _How could Mac be behaving this way? The girl that hated 09ers almost as much as me? The girl that scammed them out of their money almost two years ago? The girl that had almost no interest in boys until Cassidy came along?_

"You shouldn't be thinking like that, Mac," she says. "You're not going to have to worry about his funeral anytime soon. Just sit back and relax. You were a great girlfriend. You've been nothing but a good friend to me, and I'm going to return the favor by telling you the truth. Don't worry about little things like that. For one, there's no way you could have known. None of us knew. Not even the people closest to Cassidy."

Mac sighs. "Everyone keeps saying that. I couldn't have known, but _come on_, Veronica. I pushed him away because he wasn't ready to go past first base with me. I could have been there for him. I mean, do you have any idea what that would have been like, going through that all alone? I mean, how would you feel, Veronica?"

Veronica pauses. Her hand starts to twitch a little bit as she puts down her glass of lemonade. She wipes a bit of sweat off her forehead as she looks at back at Mac. The window is open on one of the hottest days of the year so far because the air conditioning is broken… again. It doesn't make things any easier.

"You know how I would feel, Mac?" she asks, almost hesitant to tell the truth. "Violated. Kind of like I do right now, and probably always will be, because of Cassidy. Because he raped me. So I guess the two of us have a lot in common, don't we?"

"Veronica…" Mac utters as she extends her arm to place her hand over Veronica's. Veronica slowly pulls her own hand away and starts rubbing it with her other hand, as if there's some sort of wound there.

_Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, the two of us seeing each other now_. They hadn't seen each other since that night at the Neptune Grand. They'd exchanged a few calls and text messages here and there to check up on each other, but nothing special. And now here they are, coming to terms with what happened. The two were going to have to talk about it eventually. They couldn't avoid each other forever, especially if they were going to the same school in the fall.

"No, it's okay. It's easy to forget," she says. "I understand. Even I was in complete ignorant bliss for about a year thinking nothing happened. Listen, Mac, I know it's hard. What Cassidy did, what he went through, he made sure all of us were affected by it. It's hard, but none of us could have known. I know it really sucks to hear, and I'd like to think that Cassidy really did love you, but what's done is done. We can only move on from here."

"Thanks, Veronica," Mac says abruptly before picking up her salad and throwing it in her bag. "Thanks for everything actually. But I actually have to go. My mom says the doctors might call in a little bit, and the police might swing by later for some follow up questions. So I guess I'll see you around?"

Veronica looks puzzled for a second. _Did I say something wrong_?

"Yeah, yeah," she says. "I'll see you later. Call me if you need anything!"

The door slams behind Mac before Veronica can utter the last syllable. And here she is, alone again. Silence rings through her ears as she picks up her cell phone and searches for Logan in her contacts. But she soon realizes what she's doing and shuts her phone. _You're going to scare him away_.

She hates the idea of becoming too dependent on her boyfriend, but it was hard sitting here alone day-to-day as her father worked and her mother was… who knows where. She calls Logan a lot, but he only seems up for hanging out every few days. Wallace is usually busy with work, friends, or family. She laughs at the thought of calling up Weevil and asking him to come over and talk.

But this is her life now. It seems hollow and empty. She should be happy knowing her dad was alive and things were going okay. She was still in a steady relationship and had plans for the fall, but things still didn't seem right.

"You lied to her, you know."

Veronica whips her head around to face the kitchen. A dead Lilly Kane now stands in it, just as Veronica remembers her from all those horrible dreams she'd had of her last year. She hadn't seen Lilly for a while now. The last time she'd even daydreamed about her was after Aaron Echolls was caught.

"What?" Veronica asks.

"You lied," says Lilly as she edges a little closer to the couch. "The whole 'not being able to know anything was wrong' thing. That's so bogus. You mean to tell me you believed him when he told you he didn't try anything on you at Shelly's party? Come on V, you should know better than that. You're freaking _Veronica Mars_. You should have known something was up."

Veronica shakes her head, not quite sure how to respond. What is Lilly doing in her apartment? And more importantly, why does she want to talk about Beaver?

"I know someone tried something on me there, but I didn't know both Duncan _and_ Beaver did. You can't expect me to know everything. And why would Beaver lie to me? He was shy, nice, respectful. He was… _Beaver_."

"Well it turns out Beaver didn't turn out to be the boy you wanted him to be, now did he?" Lilly asks playfully.

"That's not my fault," she replies. "It's not my fault that Woody molested him and he grew up to be a psychopath."

"But it is your fault that you didn't notice anything wrong," Lilly says as she sits down on the couch. "Even before I died, you had to have noticed something off about him. I think we all did. But nobody cared. Not even you, Veronica. Did you ever bother to talk to him? To go out of your way to be nice to him? The only time you ever talked to him after I died was to ask him about Logan's alibi. No, it's not your fault that those things happened to him, but how do you expect him to act?"

"Why are you defending him?" Veronica shoots back. "Is he your new dead prodigy or something? What he did was wrong."

"Maybe so," she says, "but you can't just say something was wrong and leave it at that."

"Are you trying to say we should have expected Logan's dad to kill you and that just makes it okay somehow? Lilly, you were torn away from my life. From Duncan's life. From Logan's life. And I know you didn't care too much for your parents, but they really cared about you. Just because Aaron Echolls was worried about ruining his career does not make it okay for him to kill you. Don't you see? There's not justification for that."

"Veronica," Lilly says. She says it in a way that Veronica knows all too well. It's what she does right before she's about to invoke some sort of wisdom on her. Veronica can't help but laugh at this. She's been through so much in the past two years that Lilly can't really expect her to be the same little naive girl that she was back then.

"I was stupid," she stammers. "Logan, Weevil, Aaron. All at once. What do you think that says about me? Aaron had his fair share of problems before Logan and I even started dating. For me to go around fucking him was stupid, but for me to try to steal that tape and take it to the press was even dumber. I could have waited. I could have told somebody. I could have told you. No, Aaron's not the hero of the story, but neither am I. I made mistakes too."

"Yes, you did," Veronica starts, "but that doesn't excuse what he did."

"Veronica," she says, "you're fucking my boyfriend."

"What? What does that have to do with any of this?"

"You're fucking my boyfriend. Don't you think that's awfully wrong of you? To be fucking your dead best friend's boyfriend? To just assume it would be okay with me? I mean, you saw how I acted when I found out Yolanda and Logan kissed at that party. It's wrong, what you're doing."

Veronica pauses before saying anything. She almost wants to break down and cry for being scolded by Lilly. "It's not. I know it really sucks, but you never loved Logan the way I do. I'm sorry, but I can't help the feelings I have for him. It's not that black and white, Lilly. It's not that simple."

"See what I mean?" she asks.

"What?"

"Nothing's ever that simple," she says before fading away. Where she once was on the couch is now empty space. Veronica desperately flails her hands in front of her, hoping that part of her is still there.

"Wait!" Veronica yells. "Lilly! Wait!"

She clenches her fists and tries to calm down before wiping some more sweat off her forehead. She shouldn't have driven her off like that. As she glances around the empty apartment, she comes to the same conclusion that she has every day for the past few days – She's all alone.

* * *

**_August_**_**2003**_

_"See, isn't this better than sitting all alone in your living room all day?"_

_Veronica just smiled weakly, not sure how to respond to Lilly's question. She had actually been spending the day baking with her mother, but she didn't have the heart to tell Lilly that. Besides, she didn't want Lilly to have to suffer at Dick Casablanca's house alone. Sure, Logan was there, but was he ever really… there when Dick and Beaver were around?_

_She felt the sun beating down on her forehead and thought maybe it was best for her to take a dip in the pool. She told Lilly she wouldn't be swimming, but she brought her suit anyway. As she reached down for her duffel bag, she heard a clank. Looking to her right, she saw Beaver's hand pulling away from a glass of water._

_"Figured you'd need something to cool you down," he said with a toothy smile. "You looked pretty hot over here."_

_"Nice one, Beav!" Dick called from the pool. He and Logan had been swimming for a little while now._

_"I – I didn't mean… Shut up, Dick!" Veronica smiled weakly at Beaver as Lilly laughed. The boy was only fourteen and he still hadn't quite learned how to deal with his brother's teasing. He looked upset as Dick, Logan, and Lilly all laughed at him. He glared at his brother before going storming off._

_"That kid is going to go through hell his freshman year," Lilly said as she flipped herself over on the recliner._

_"He was just trying to be nice," Veronica said. "And his brother's kind of an asshole." She looked over at Logan and Dick, who were now wrestling with each other in the pool, not paying attention to them anymore._

_"Yes, he is, but he's not a little wimp. What girl is going to want to date that kid?"_

_Veronica paused before speaking again. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom," she said before picking up her duffel bag._

_"Okay," Lilly breathed, "but be back here soon!"_

_As she made her way over to the Casablancas' back door, she looked down at her duffel bag. It had been decorated in school colors with paint spelling out 'PIRATES' on the top. She smiled, trying to think fondly of pep squad. She'd had some fun times with Lilly and friends, but she wasn't quite sure she even wanted to do pep squad again this year. She'd done a lot of thinking about it over the past few weeks. She took a glance at Lilly before opening the door. She knew there was no possible way the girl would let her quit._

_"Come in here to laugh at me some more?"_

_Veronica looked over at Beaver. He was playing some sort of first-person-shooter video game in the living room. She edged closer to get a better look._

_"No," she said. "I actually think that was kind of rude. I just wanted to say thank you for the drink. It was really nice of you."_

_"Nice," he said with a bit of a laugh. "Always 'nice.'"_

_"There's nothing wrong with being nice," Veronica said sweetly as she sat down next to him._

_Beaver didn't turn away from the screen as his character was shot. He got up and threw his controller across the room and Veronica jumped. "Dickie's better at this game anyway," he uttered, trying to catch his breath. His voice wasn't exactly angry, but there was certainly a bit of an undertone. "I shouldn't be playing it. I suck."_

_"I'm… I'm sorry," Veronica said uncomfortably._

_"No, it's okay," said Beaver. "Really, it's okay. Dad will buy Dickie another controller. It doesn't matter."_

_"I wasn't talking about that. I just meant… in general. About earlier I mean. There's nothing wrong with being nice."_

_"If there's nothing wrong with being nice, then why are Lilly and Logan together? Why are you dating Lilly's brother?"_

_"What's that supposed to mean?" Veronica asked, puzzled. _

_As Beaver turned to look at her, his face looked almost expressionless. His eyes looked a little dead and cold, and for once, she didn't see the same dopey little kid she'd come to know over the past year. _

_"They're all the same," he said. "Dick, Logan, even Duncan… They're the cool kids. My dad wants me to hang around them at school this year because he thinks it'll toughen me up a bit, but I think you'd be lying to yourself if you said they were 'nice guys.' Maybe from a parent who doesn't know them very well. Oh well. I guess it's time I give up on trying to be a nice guy anyways."_

_"Beaver, I don't - ."_

_"That's not my name," he cut her off._

_She just looked at him for a moment as he stared blankly back at the TV screen. She wanted to say more to him, but she started to realize that she didn't even know the boy's real name. The two barely knew each other to begin with. She would occasionally come to Dick's house with Lilly, Logan, and Duncan. Sometimes Dick would drag him along to hangouts and complain about having to do so. But all along, she had never really gotten to know his real name._

_She sighed and got up form her spot on the couch to look for the bathroom. Cassidy picked up the video game controller that now sat across the room and placed it on the couch. He sat back down and glanced out the window at Dick and Logan splashing each other in the pool. _

_Veronica took one last look at him. She knew there was something kind of off about him. In fact, she'd noticed when she first met him, but she shrugged it off, just like she was about to now._

_As he sat there, listening to Veronica walk away, he decided enough was enough. He'd known the girl for almost a year and she didn't even know his name. Maybe one day she'd understand what he was going through and then she'd be able to talk to him. He turned his attention to Dick and Logan. He saw them wrestling around in the pool and playfully taunting each other. And he wondered what it was like to have a brother._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I've changed all of the writing to past tense, as present tense is a tad too confusing for me to write, especially switching back and forth. Sorry for any confusion with that. Thanks for reading!**

* * *

**THREE**

_**July 2006**_

For once, the "Caution" sign on his door actually made Dick Casablancas pause for a moment. He studied the door for a moment and he recognized every chip in the wood. He'd been looking at his brother's bedroom door a lot these days. He often stood outside from time to time, just staring at it, extremely hesitant to walk in.

The house had been pretty quiet for a while now. Not that it had been very noisy before. Besides the occasional girls coming over to see Dick from time to time, Cassidy had never spoken very much and he didn't bring people over very often. Dick almost wanted to knock on Cassidy's door for once. After all these years, he couldn't remember a time when he'd actually knocked instead of storming in. Whether it be to ask for something, to take some aggression out on his little brother, or to drag Cassidy out on an adventure with his friends, he'd never once knocked.

Dick placed his clenched hand about an inch away from the door before moving it to the handle and slowly moving it. The door creaked ever so slightly as he pushed it open. And then it hit him.

The smell of that god-awful cologne that their father had given Cassidy for his fourteenth birthday a few years ago. He'd only ever worn it on a few special occasions, like that Sadies Hawkins dance, or Logan's graduation bash. _Logan's party_. Dick paused for a second before moving any further.

A baseball signed by Terrence Cook sat in glass casing on top of the dresser. Cassidy used to like baseball as a kid. He and Dick would play catch from time to time, but he eventually grew out of it. Dick started to glare at the baseball as if it were a person. As if it were someone he could hate for what happened to his little brother.

But he eventually sighed and gave up. _What's the point in all this_? Everyone else was moving on with their lives and here he was, standing in his brother's bedroom after contemplating going in for almost two months. Did no one else care?

Dick moved over to Cassidy's bed. A few of his brother's zip-up sweaters had been thrown about on top of his bed sheets. He'd probably been trying to decide what to wear the night of graduation. Dick reached out his hands and pressed his fingers across one. He sighed, thinking about Cassidy's shortness, and how he and his father used to pick on him for it. As a kid, they once told him that they were going to stretch him out to make him grow taller, to which he freaked out.

He moved away from the bed and to the dresser before opening a few drawers. He didn't even know what he was looking for. _This is stupid_. He was about to turn around and leave when he felt something. Slowly pulling it out of the top drawer underneath a pile of underwear, he dropped the gun as soon as it came into plain sight.

And then it all became clear. Everyone had been telling him what happened. How Beaver had been a killer. But in the back of his mind, he had never really believed it. Beaver was just his dopey little brother. The pathetic little virgin that got nervous when he had to hold hands with a girl. But there it was. Another one had been left on the rooftop of the Neptune Grand where Cassidy jumped. And here was an extra stashed right under his nose.

"Why didn't I know?" Dick whispered to himself. "What… What _happened_?"

"I know you're stupid, Dick, but I think everyone knows by now. You know what happened."

Dick looked up to see Cassidy sitting on his bed. But he knew better than to believe the boy was really there. Dick had seen Cassidy here and there since May.

"But… how? It just… It can't."

"Oh, it can," said Cassidy with a sly grin. "Believe me."

"Why didn't you say anything? To me? Or to Dad?"

"Now why would I want to do that?" Cassidy asked while lying back against his pillow and placing his hands behind his head. "Do you think Dad would really care? He probably would've sued or something, but in the end, the two of you would have looked at me worse than you normally do. You see, Dick, I used to care. I used to care a lot about what the two of you thought of me. But you know what? I don't anymore. Why should I care what a couple of dumbass rich boys think of me when I'm smarter than both of them?"

"But we're family," said Dick quietly. "You could've… you could've…"

"I could have," said Cassidy. He started to laugh a little bit. "But I didn't. Maybe I was saving it to tell you on a rainy day. Just to see the stupid look on your face. The one you're making right now. Why the _hell_ would I want to confide in you? The guy who duct taped my shoes to my bike pedals when I was nine? The guy who used to make fun of me and my girlfriend? The guy who used to rip the heads off my stuffed animals just to see me cry?"

"Cassidy, I didn't - ."

"So now it's Cassidy? What happened to Beaver? It's not funny. It was never funny. I'm glad you're finally starting to see that. We're not family, Dick. As much as you'd like to say it, we're not. Who wants to be the psycho killer's brother anyway?"

Dick turned around not wanting to face him for a moment. Whoever was lying in Cassidy's bed wasn't his brother, but as Dick looked back over at the dresser drawer where Cassidy's gun had been stashed, he realized it had to be. "I… I do." He turned around to see no one there. The boy was gone.

* * *

_**April 1999**_

"_Faster or Mr. Rabbit gets it!"_

_Cassidy could feel the sweat dripping down his forehead as he attempted to pedal even faster. It wasn't even possible. He was going to reach a breaking point soon. He just knew it. _

"_Come on, Beav!"_

_Cassidy looked over at his brother, standing by the front door as Cassidy biked around the driveway. He'd heard his parents fighting yesterday, and after crying in his room for about an hour because of it, a new bike for him had magically appeared in his room. But Dick, being Dick, was jealous and wanted to have some fun with it._

Why can't we just play catch like old times? _he thought to himself. They used to do just that for hours at a time, but things had changed. Dick was getting older and it wasn't as cool to hang out with his little brother anymore. He'd started going places with his friends._

_He had been at this for about half an hour now with Dick just standing there watching him. He wanted to ask Dick if he could stop, but something always stopped him. He was afraid of being looked down on… even more so than he already was. He hoped that maybe this would smooth things over between the two of them. That it would somehow show Dick that he was capable of being tough._

"_Dickie!"_

_Dick turned away from Cassidy to see his father standing in the front doorway. "Can you come in for a minute? I need you for something. What are you and Cassidy doing?"_

_Dick just looked back at Cassidy for a second, watching him attempt to look okay as he pedaled on. "Nothing, just playing."_

"_Okay, well come on," said Mr. Casablancas. He ushered Dick back into the house as Cassidy looked longingly at the front door, wishing he could get off his new bike and go inside to rest. _

_As the door shut, Cassidy started to wait patiently for Dick to come back and help him off his bike. He would be there for hours._

* * *

_**March 2006**_

"_Mind explaining to me what you're doing in my room?"_

_Cassidy stood, almost dumbfounded, in front of Dick's dresser. "I was just… I was just looking for something."_

"_And that something would be…?" Dick asked._

"_I was looking for my phone. I thought I left it in here earlier."_

"_I don't remember you leaving your phone in my room. In fact, I don't remember you ever coming into my room. What's that in your hand?"_

_Cassidy immediately moved his hand out of sight, but wasn't fast enough, as Dick dived toward him. He ended up piling on top of his brother and wrestling with him on the floor. "If you're gonna take something from my room, Beav, I'd like to know what it is."_

_Dick took Cassidy's arm and wrapped it around his neck, applying pressure on his wrist as he did so. He could hear Cassidy yell ever so slightly and laughed a little. It reminded him of good old days when the two were younger. Cassidy then dropped whatever was in his hand._

_Dick started laughing his head off when he looked down and saw a condom. "Are you freaking kidding me? This is too good to be true. Please don't tell me you're giving your flower to Ghost World tonight."_

"_Fuck off, Dick," said Cassidy as he edged away. He only ever swore like that when he was trying to be serious, but Dick was still laughing. "Don't talk about her like that."_

"_Okay, okay, but couldn't you get your own instead of stealing one of mine? You know, maybe I'll call her up right now and tell her about this. I don't think she'll want to have sex with someone who steals from his own brother."_

_Cassidy got up and pushed his brother away. "I don't know what you plan on doing after high school, but just an FYI, I'm out of here after I graduate. So enjoy all the teasing while you still can." He turned around and slammed the door behind him._

_He knew Beaver was trying to be serious, but he still wasn't taking him seriously. In fact, he didn't know if he ever would._

* * *

I sat there, staring longingly off into the distance. The sun was setting. It was somehow both my favorite and least favorite time of day. Everything looked beautiful. The orange streaks of sunlight reminded me of home. It helped me remain calm. But it also meant the end of daylight, and the darkness that followed brought me back to that night.

With my legs dangling over the edge of the roof, I had a good view of the street below. Usually busy, it was odd to see it quiet. No one was there. These days, I'd come to realize it was one thing to be mentally alone, but to be physically alone was a completely different thing in itself. From a distance I could hear the waves crashing onto the ocean shore. It was calming, but at the same time scary.

I'd always thought of myself as alone. It's a wonder I didn't off myself a long time ago, even before Marcos and Peter tried to go to the police about Woody. I never really had much to live for. At least that's what I used to tell myself.

"You were scared. You're still scared."

I turned my attention away from the street below, away from the sunset off in the distance, to see Lilly standing beside me. She crouched down and placed herself right next to me, both our legs dangling off the edge of the roof. She still wore the same pep squad clothes I was used to seeing her in, but the head wound from Aaron Echolls was gone. It was a little relieving honestly.

"Of what?" I asked, turning my attention back to the sky.

"Death," she answered. "You're scared of dying. It's okay. I was too."

"Why are you talking to me?" I asked. "I thought you made it pretty clear you thought I was a pathetic loser."

"Cassidy, I was telling you what you wanted to hear," she said. "You went your whole life hearing that, didn't you? It's what you're used to. And you know what? You're going to have to get over that sometime. You're going to have to stop being so insecure about what others think of you. Lord knows I did."

I shook my head. "So you're telling me the whole thing was some sort of exercise to get me to control my emotions? What is this, anger management?"

"I tried killing myself too," she blurted out. I turned to her, giving her an odd look. What in the hell was the girl talking about? "I was fifteen. Fifteen and stupid. My mom and I were fighting all day. She was angry at me about my grades, and she thought I was doing drugs. You know, the woman could really be a bitch, but sometimes I took what she said to heart. She called me an embarrassment."

"And what does this have to do with me?"

"Wow, for a neglected, abused kid, you sure are selfish, Cassidy," she retorted. "I'm trying to relate. Connect with you, if you catch my drift."

I rolled my eyes, trying not to make eye contact with her.

"Maybe you should try it sometime," she said. "You think no one understands you? Maybe you should try opening up to them sometime. I took a shitload of pills that night, thinking I would be dead by morning, but nothing happened. I was stupid. And thing is, I went to school the next day and acted like nothing happened. I never told anyone, and now the only one who knows is you. You, of all people."

"That's, that's an interesting story you got there," I told her, moving my eyes farther up the skyline. "But I don't see how any of this helps me."

"The next night I went into Duncan's room and hugged him," she said. "Just out of the blue. He asked me why, but I never told him. So he just hugged me back. Never asked why again. I guess I was lucky to have a brother who cared about me. Even when I was being a total bitch to him, I know he loved me. Just like even when Dick was being a total ass to you, he loved you too."

"Well he must have loved me a lot then," I said, glaring at her. "You can compare us two all you want, but you don't know. Honestly, you don't know at all. Duncan being an ass to you isn't anything like Dick being an ass to me."

"You're telling me he never did anything nice for you?"

I paused, actually trying to scatter my brain for something nice Dick had done. _This is stupid, _I thought to myself. _Even if he had ever did anything overly nice for me, how does this change anything?_

"He beat someone up," I blurted. "My first week of freshman year, someone was giving me a hard time for some stupid reason and he punched him in the face. But what does that matter?"

"So do you think you're going to jump?" she asked, nudging her head toward the ledge. "You've been sitting here for a while, thinking about it."

"What, what are you, crazy?" I asked. "Why would I - ?"

"Hey, I've made peace with my death," she said. "This is your time."

She vanished before me again. I didn't say a word as I looked back over to the sky. There was just a hint of orange escaping into the sky and I could make out what looked like stars as darkness was about to cast over Neptune.


End file.
